Truth and Lies

If you know me, you know that the months of February and March were a living hell. I don't use that term lightly or flipantly...I use it literally. After finding out I was pregnant with my 4th child (the result of a planned attempt), I started having problems. By February 6th, I was in the ER being told that the pregnancy was ectopic - in the tube instead of the uterus. Trusting my doctor of 10 years, I started an ill-fated course of treatment that resulted in 6 weeks of extreme pain, both physical and mental. In the end, I had 3 trips to the ER, 2 rounds of chemotherapy, a d&c and an emergency laproscopy.

The truth: those 6 weeks were a result of medical mis-management and took a huge toll on me and my family.

The physical and emotional suffering were not the worst part. Within a few days of finding out that I would not be having a baby on September 27th, I found myself in a deep spiritual hole. I was incredibly angry at God and spent my quiet time asking why he would do this to me? Have I not been faithful enough? Am I not a good enough mother to be trusted with 4 children? Is this punishment for something specific I have done? I stopped praying and started blaming. I was unable to worship and could not feel or hear the presense of the Lord. I felt completely and totally betrayed by the the One whom I have served.

The lies: God caused this to happen based on my actions. God abandoned me in my time of greatest need.

My greatest strengh came from the people around me. Far above all others was my sweet husband. Jeff was absolutely incredible. His calm nature and willingness to help me in any way without trying to "fix it" made me love him even more. He stood by and held my hand. He backed off and let me grieve. He was my rock. I was also blessed by my mom who loved my kids with great compassion when I could not. She cleaned my kitchen and gave baths and insisted that I rest even when I didn't want to. Then there were my friends who surrounded me and cared for me in ways I didn't even see. My kids got to and from school every day. They were loved and fed - some days without me even knowing where they were. Each night a meal was delivered to my front door. Most importantly, though, is that these ladies prayed for me when I could not.

The truth: I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and love my kids. I have taken my husband, my mom and my friends for granted; but will not do that again!

The story ends in a place I did not suspect: a picnic table in Lonestar, TX. After months of grieving and anger and seeming isolation from God, I was reminded of the truth by a total stranger. I went to Lonestar for a ladies retreat and was half-heartedly excited about the 8 hours of "silent time" when we were supposed to take a break from the world and spend time with God. Honestly, I had decided to use that time to get some work done. But after hearing the words of our speaker on Friday night, I thought I would give it a shot. I spent 8 hours crying and sleeping - but not listening to God. That night after dinner, we had a "celebration campfire" where all the women talked out about their encounters with God. I sat and listened (feeling even worse by virtue of everyone else's good fortune) and swore I would not ruin the evening for the other ladies. Then we were asked if anyone was disappointed and I couldn't help myself - I spilled my guts. I was immediately surrounded by 30 women who laid their hands on me and prayed. Of all the words I words I heard that night at the picnic table, the ones that struck me deepest were by our speaker (a stranger to me before that weekend). She prayed that God would quiet the lies and speak loudly the truth.

The lie: God was not listening to me and had abandoned me when I needed Him most

The truth: I was not listening to God, who was there all along!

Thanks be to God - I am able to pray again. Thanks be to God - I am able to hear Him speak. Thanks be to God - I am able to worship again. Thanks be to God - I can feel His presense. Thanks be to God!